A couple of years ago I asked God that open-ended question: “What am I here for? What is My Purpose?” because I was lost. I still felt so unworthy, lacked self-confidence and really didn’t like myself all that much.
Well God began to reveal to me my purpose because I was finally ready to receive it… so I thought! He told me to start an outfit blog. I was like, “Really God? Are you Crazy” I hate to be in front of the camera because I still saw a broken, ugly 253 pound woman staring through the lens, even after I had lost all the weight 6 years before. Even as a little girl I felt ugly and being a tomboy too didn’t help, I tried to fake myself out to feel pretty by getting dressed up, and even when I was at my heaviest I got out of bed every day and dressed up because even if it was for a brief second I felt pretty.
So I continued to fight back and forth with God, “You really want me to do this… why would anyone want to see me? I am not worth anything, I don’t have anything to offer, I am not pretty.” He was persistent and I decided to give in because I wanted so desperately to find out who I was created to be.
For the last 2 1/2 years I have produced my daily outfit blog here. It has been the most awkward, uncomfortable, embarrassing thing I have ever done. I kept telling myself, “You are crazy!!!!” But I knew somewhere deep in my soul that I had to just do it. Then, as I prayed for Him to slowly reveal to me why he had purposed me for this… the first and most major revelation was revealed to me about 8 months ago. He brought to the surface the one comment that I had hidden away for so long and that changed my life, the one that left me feeling, so unworthy of being loved and even mattering… “you know that your mom wanted to have an abortion (with you)”. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I spent most of the day in tears curled up in my bed. That realization put me into a depression that I had to struggle and fight my way out of, but because of His grace I was able to overcome the struggle!
With that revelation a new journey began! I started to journal my thoughts and feelings, read the Bible where ever it opened to so that I could learn what He had in store for me. As I wrote in my journal and prayed more, sitting still to listen to what he was trying to tell me, I realized all He was revealing to me was so that I could begin to heal, and begin to transform that broken image I saw in the mirror. I started to see that everything I had been telling myself since I was a little girl was a lie. I continued to read His word more and to write… then one day I found myself writing the question “why me”, well He showed me “why me” the very next day as my Bible opened to Psalm 139:13-16…
13 “For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.”
As I read this it all became clear… I was not aborted for a reason, because I was wonderfully and beautifully created, that He created me just for this. All the pain, the challenges, the failures, had all led up to the moment for the first time I saw myself, my true, authentic, real self through the eyes of God. I saw that I was beautiful, worthy of love, worthy of feeling like I mattered and worthy to impact the lives of other women who have had these same feelings.
I found that as I am mending the broken pieces of my self-image, God is showing me that His perfect mirror is reflecting that my beauty and worthiness comes from Him. I am not going to tell you by any means that I see it every day or that it is easy, because it’s not. I fall back into thinking those same negative thoughts, but now I catch myself more often and am able to decide to see God’s image of me. As I continue to grow in Him, journal, read, and empower Him to work through me, I believe that every day that decision will get easier and easier.
I have taken Jeremiah 29:11-13 to heart and accepted His promise to me!
11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity…”
I have shared all this with you because He has given me this story and these experiences to inspire and encourage women, that they too can begin to transform the broken image they see in the mirror with that of our loving and generous God’s vision of us through His perfect mirror, because we know that He created us for so much more than our brokenness. I am so thankful that I listened to His voice 2 1/2 years ago, although I really had no idea why, I do now! I know that you too can find your healing in Him! You were created to be MORE beautiful and worthy than you have given yourself permission to believe! It’s time to Shatter the Mirror… leaving all those negative thoughts and feeling you have about your self-image behind and transform it to God’s perfect mirror and His beautiful image of you!!